I am feeling again like everything is passing me by at 100 miles an hour. It's like i'm stuck or paralyzed. Things around me change, but i am always the same old crabass. The same thing is always happening to me, i always feel the same. Crap crap crap. I don't want pity; it kind of makes me want to spit when i see that look on peoples faces or hear it in their voice.

Or maybe i don't feel like that at all. I am rather contradictory at the moment. Everything is going every which way in my brain. Everything is possible, nothing is possible. Too many different truths. It makes my head hurt and gives me an intense impulse to stab out my eye.

So it's been awhile since I've been active on DA. Honestly, I haven't really done anything lately. Well, until a few days ago. I have come to find that I am most movitated by emotional disaster. Hence, the new submission, and the piece i am working on right now. It's a painting, which i haven't done since Kitty Pryde. I have missed the smell of oil paints.

A lot has happened. Loved and lost, and lost, and lost. I've kissed boys and punched them in bars. I've lost friends and . . . lost friends. I may have also developed a drinking problem. I am on four different medications for my brain, if you count the one that helps me sleep. I think i'm in tattered pieces, i am held together by sheer force of will. Or stupidity. Maybe a little of both.

I've come, once again, to that point where i will only be saved by my contempt and bitterness. Oh, and let's not forget my indominable ego. I am extreme in all things; i feel that i am worthless, yet also that i am better than most people i see everyday.

I think that i am more my own person than i have ever been, yet i am also rather miserable. I tend to cry often, but lately i have not been able to. At least, not while sober. I can feel it in there, i want to let it out, but it will not come. It's frustrating.

Someone got me a subscription, but i have no idea who. I read that DA is supposed to send you an email and let you know, but i have gotten no such thing. Please let me know who purchased it, so i can thank you.